How to Train Your Human

  1. Make dung piles all over the pasture, instead of in one spot like the book says to. Your Humans will have to mow’n’vac the entire pasture for that manicured, clean, weed-less look.
  2. Potty in the barn when it snows or rains. Humans are fastidious creatures, and will clean it up everyday, allowing you indoor sleeping AND indoor plumbing.
  3. Always come running when you hear the feed box open; your Human can be trained to reward you with a treat of grain.
  4. Lie down or potty in the show ring. This will tell your Humans and the audience what you think of the judge.
  5. If another llama potties in the ring, it is good etiquette to show solidarity by going in the same spot. This domino effect is very effective at telling Humans what you think of the class.
  6. Let your Human know that there is NO REASON to cross one of those silly man-made obstacles on the lawn; it is much more dignified to simply walk around the obstacle. Be patient; it may take several repetitions for your Human to learn this.
  7. When standing in line in the show ring, always slouch. Otherwise you might win first or second place, and have to stick around for the boring Championship round.
  8. Be sure to lie down in a recent potty-pile just before your class is called. That cool wetness around the knees and belly can feel great in a hot show ring.
  9. Never potty in a public potty pile before entering the show ring. It is much cleaner to use the fresh sawdust in the show ring instead.
  10. Dragging on the lead line will cause the Human behind you in line to go around, thereby allowing their tail-sniffing llama to walk in front of you where you can keep your eye on him.
  11. If you get really desperate, act up, kick, and jump; the steward will ask you the leave the ring. Your Human will take you back to your stall where
    you can get back to the important business of eating, napping, and watching the other llamas go by.
  12. When loading in a trailer in public, plant your feet and refuse to enter. If you keep this up long enough, other Humans will come by to help, and your Humans will have an opportunity to make new friends.
  13. Wait until your Human tells a newcomer to llamas that you don’t spit. Then lay your ears back and regurgitate a wad into your mouth, and roll it around visibly. This will back off any attempt at a newbie poking at you, or-worse yet–wanting to buy you!
  14. Be sure and tell your Human if you don’t like your hay. Run up when they bring out a new bale, then back up a couple steps and give them a “sad puppy” look. Humans are scared to death that you will starve to death, and they will bring out a bale with more alfalfa in it.
  15. If you happen to get loose outside the pasture, run around in circles and don’t let them catch you until they produce a feed bucket. Next time, they will go get the feed bucket right away.
  16. Always check your Human’s coat pockets for a treat. Batting your eyelashes in anticipation will train your Humans to keep their pockets loaded with goodies.
  17. Grab a loose feed dish and throw it over your head when your human is watching. They will think you are hungry and might feed you a treat.
  18. If you stick your head through the creep feeder and push, you might find that you can still squeeze through. If not, sometimes you can knock down the whole feeder gate and get in that way.
  19. Always check latches after your Humans. They are always in a hurry, and sometimes get careless and leave the latch to the front yard gate open, where the best grass is.
  20. If your Humans are outside working, but not paying attention to you, here is a sure fire trick: Lie in a dust pile on your side with your belly towards the hot sun. Your neck should be stretched up and over your back. Do not move. Repeat: DO NOT MOVE. This may take awhile, but be assured that your Humans have noticed how long you are laying prone. They will eventually become alarmed and come over to investigate. The best effect can be achieved by not reacting at all the first couple times they poke you. Wait until they bend down with a serious look on their faces before sleepily raising your head in acknowledgment.
  21. After your Humans have groomed you for a show, be sure to find the nearest dust pile and roll around generously. Loose grass, hay, leaves, and even the edge of a dung pile provide nice additives to return your wool to its original loftiness. This will give you the much sought after rough-and-ready, “wild thang” look that the other llamas will envy.
  22. If there is going to be a fresh snow or hard frost, be sure to kush in an exposed part of the pasture, but near the barn where your Humans will see you first thing in the morning. When they arrive, rise slowly, showing them the bare spot you lay in all night, and be careful not to shake the snow off your coat, or especially your eyelashes. They will feel sorry for you and make sure there is plenty of room in the barn the next night, maybe even with a bed of nice straw to lie in.

by: Cyber

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