I Can’t Remember

Just a line to say I’m living,
that I’m not among the dead,
though I’m getting more forgetful
and mixed up in my head.

 

I got used to my arthritis,
to my dentures I’m resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
but I sure do miss my mind.

 

For sometimes I can’t remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs
if I must go up for something
or is I just came down from there.

 

And, before the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away,
or have I come to take some out?

 

There are times when it is dark,
with my nightcap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring
or just getting out of bed.

 

So if it’s my turn to write you,
there’s no need for getting sore!
I may think that I have written
and don’t want to be a bore!

 

So remember that I love you
and wish that you were near,
but now it’s nearly mail time,
so I must say, “Goodbye, Dear.”

 

P.S.
Here I stand beside the mailbox
with face so very red—
instead of mailing your letter,
I have opened it instead!

 

Author unknown

Centering

Today I learned what a centering activity was. After arriving at work at 5 am to answer mail, I left at 7 am to spend the next 6 hours running between hospital, doctor and clinics with mom, who was undergoing some tests. By the time we had lunch, I was beat. By the time I got home, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, falling asleep several times behind the wheel on the quiet highway that was my 45 minute drive to our country home. I napped briefly in a recliner, then forced myself to rise and feed and water the llamas in the sticky humidity of an unusually hot June day, one made into a steam bath after the passing of a brief summer storm.Fortunately, my husband was in charge of dinner that night. That freed me up to start the enormous pile of laundry that was overrunning our closet. After getting a load started, and preparing the next, I knew my next job for the evening was to chase down a problem in a database I was working on. With a weary mind, I just couldn’t bring myself to stare at a computer screen that evening. Instead, I began the process of cleaning my closet of clothes I no longer wore.

I had once emptied out many outfits that I had found out of season, or just wasn’t wearing any more. These had taken residence in a closet in a spare room. I was soon sitting on the floor in the spare bedroom, folding old oxford cloth shirts that had been my mainstay in the office, trying to make them presentable for their next life with a new owner. As I folded, I ran across blouses and fancy pullovers that, I do believe, I had left from college days; and even high school! I reacquainted myself with some older flannel and chambray shirts, three of which had been hand sewn for me by my mother. I had saved these time-worn, honored friends of simpler days to perhaps one day piece them together into a heavy quilt, their soft textures and faded colors reminiscent of times past. But I could see the quilt would never come to be. I sadly folded the friendly flannels and added them to the memories that were stacking, one by one, on the bedroom floor beside me.

I found myself immersed in this activity. While it was another of those “priority B” items that I had put off forever, once started, I found I was content to keep working as long as their were old clothes that beckoned to be rediscovered in the back of the closet. Here was serenity, solitude, and a dividing wall between the clattering TV downstairs and omnipresent email awaiting my attention. Each of our five housecats had visited the room in turn, but now only two remained. Ringo sat kushed in a meatloaf position to the side of the pile of clothes, watching intently from one good eye, trying to understand the meaning of all this. Peepers took a more active role, alternately lying with head on paws, and then suddenly grabbing at a passing flannel sleeve that waved to close to her whiskers to be ignored. She, too, seemed content to idly share my reverie.

I have always read about doing a centering activity to relax and draw ones thoughts inward in a sort of meditation. Any activity, even doing dishes, would suffice, according to the experts. Not for me! Dishes were something I did in a hurry, either to quickly clean the kitchen before company came, or because we were out of silverware. The next best chore, cleaning manure, was too hard of work to stimulate meditation, at least for me. And even feeding the llamas took more concentration than you might think; trying to be sure everyone gets their fair share of grain, and feeding females, weanlings, young males, and studs in different areas, did not make for a relaxing activity, especially with thirty some faces all watching and waiting on the next course of either grain or fresh, sweet smelling hay. So my daily routine did not allow for much “centering;” what a delight to find this closet cleaning was providing that which I could not find elsewhere.

I finally, and almost sadly, finished the chore, and had all the clothes sorted into piles. I broke the silent meditation with a phone call to my mother, first to inquire how she felt after the day of uncomfortable hospital visits, and second, to ask a favor. She agreed to act as the coordinator to find the old but usable clothing new homes. She would either send them to “The Sharing Place,” a church sponsored outlet that distributes clothing based on need, or to AmVets. We talked about the many articles made by her, that still held her love, woven into the fabric by her hand stitching of many years past. My reluctance to give away these memories led her to agree to save these special clothes to make into a quilt! While no promises were made of when this effort would begin, I at least knew that the “special pile” would not have to be resorted to give away to those who not appreciate the source of my time-honored textiles. Indeed, the very thought of the soft fabrics, woven together as memories of my youth in a patch-work quilt, was almost as good as having the genuine article there before me. The thought of the soft flannel and warm denim stitched once more with my mother’s love, gave me a respite of thought, a tangible object, even if only in my imagination, to center a quiet meditation that would bring back memories past, and bring perspective to my hurried life.

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A Showin We Will Go…

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Gypsy

It has taken longer to bathe our beautiful, all white Gypsy this morning than we anticipated. We are taking 9 llamas, a record for us, to a show in Kentucky. As the weather is quite cool, we opted to wait until late in the morning to wet down Gypsy, as we do not have an indoor wash room for llamas (yet.) As a veteran of many shows, Gypsy has learned to stand quietly beside the garage door while we pour on warm water and various concoctions to bring out the beauty in her shiny white fleece. Scrubbing knees and toenails are accepted by her easily. We cannot take the credit for her well trained behavior, as we only recently purchased her. She is obviously a veteran of these affairs.Gypsy_face

Once finished, we moved Gypsy back to the barn where a kerosene “salamander” is running. Fred begins the task of blow drying Gypsy. The metamorphosis from “drowned rat” to gorgeous, woolly llama is a slow one. The total process consumes about 3 hours. And this is after starting with a relatively clean llama before washing!

In the mean time, I finished packing the jeep and trailer. I also had to do some last minute grooming on the other llamas; most of which got no more than 15-20 minutes each! Fortunately, several had been at the Regional show just the previous weekend, and so they were in pretty good shape. Fred however had to do some serious work on a couple, which began to back up our departure time seriously.

We were now into middle afternoon, and the realization that we would hit Louisville at rush hour; on a Friday evening before the Breeder’s Cup! Our patience was running thin by the time we started moving the llamas into the trailer. Five in front, four in back, and they were a tad crowded; but they only had to put up with each other for a couple hours. A last minute trailer check, and then I thought we should check the oil first. Sure enough, it was down a quart, as was the antifreeze level. By the time we added fluids, the llamas had crossed paths and began spitting in the trailer. Images of our beautiful white Gypsy covered in slime was raising my blood pressure! We needed to be on the road, so the llamas would kush down and quit vying for precious territory in the tight quarters.

Suddenly I recalled that the right rear tire on the jeep had been low; once checked, at 24 pounds, I began to check all the tires; and they all needed some leveling out. We brought out the portable canister, and squeezed out the last breath of air from it as we finished topping off the last of the 8 tires. More spitting sounds could be heard from the trailer, and droopy-lipped llamas could be spied between the slats.

Fred got in the driver’s side, and I went back in the house for one last check. A round of turning on lights and closing drapes, and Fred was back in; he announced, “you must have left the lights on. The battery is dead.”

I knew better than that! But I did recall leaving the hatch open, maybe since this morning; could that have pulled the battery down? Fred got the charger from the barn, hooked it up, and we went inside to twiddle our thumbs while the battery charged. The llamas had been in the trailer for almost an hour before Fred tried again to start the car.

And guess what? Now the alarm system had shut off the fuel pump! Thank heavens the horn was not sounding, but the lights were flashing, and there was no way to start the car. He tried disconnecting and reconnecting the battery, and even resorted to reading the manual; to no avail. We simple could not start the car! At this point, I was ready to unpack the llamas and stay home. It seemed this show was not to be.gypsy_national_crop.jpg

(Of course, gentle reader, you realize by this time that all these things are my fault, don’t you? With two engineers running this charade, either one could have checked out the rig long before we loaded up. Since I was packing, obviously this was considered MY job. And of course, it MUST have been me that left something on to drain the battery. And I am sure that somehow it was even my fault the alarm system was now going off! Enough said, you get the idea….)

If all this was my fault, then it might was well be me to fix it. In a flash of inspiration, I grabbed the keys from Fred and jumped out of the car. I walked to the driver’s side door. I reached in, and pressed the lock button, then shut the driver’s door, with Fred inside. I used the key to open the door, and was able to do so without the alarm sounding. I gave Fred the keys, and he tentatively tried the ignition. Presto! We were running!

“How did you know how to do that?” Fred was incredulous.

“Sometimes you just have to think like a car,” I said matter of factly.

Someday I will explain to him all the times, usually at the local post office on main street, that I have bumped the lock button with my knee as I reached for a stack of mail on the passenger seat. I have found myself locked in my car, with the alarm set. Have you ever done that? Embarrassing, isn’t it? I found that I had to open the door, setting off the raucous alarm, exit the car, close the door, and unlock it with the key. Imagine doing this in public next door to the local-yocal police station and fire department.

At long last got on the road, and made good time (finally!) We hit only one major snarl in Louisville. We got set up at show, and found that Gypsy had escaped most of the spit battle; her nifty show cover had helped. A couple of the younger llamas fared worse, but they were quickly spruced up and all was well.

Reunited with old friends at the show, and making new ones that stopped by to chat during the weekend, we soon forgot the hassle of “getting there.” Sometimes things don’t work like you planned, Murphy’s Law and all that, but it was worth the trouble. The best part for the llamas, of course, was returning home. Even our newest gal, Gypsy, was glad to be back in her newly adopted home Sunday night. She raced to the barn, where she enjoyed a “victory roll” in the sand once she returned to her home pasture!